


The Adventures of Ten and Lauren

by nostalgia



Category: Doctor Who (2005), The Catherine Tate Show
Genre: Companionhood, Crack, Crossover, Gen, Mars, apologies to catherine tate, oldfic, rly old like pre-S4, she ain't bothered
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-09
Updated: 2015-02-09
Packaged: 2018-03-11 06:04:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3316889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nostalgia/pseuds/nostalgia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor travels to Mars with Lauren Cooper.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Adventures of Ten and Lauren

The Doctor didn't rank companions in his head, preferring to think of each one as the most capable and his Best Friend Ever. Humans didn't seem to understand this, and he occasionally felt guilty for not explaining to Martha that, yes, Rose was his Best Friend Ever but so was she and so was Jack and so on. She wouldn't have understood him anyway.

The point being, Lauren was not his Best Friend Ever.

They had met when her school was being invaded by aliens, which the Doctor secretly thought was now Sarah Jane's area but she was probably busy having fun with her new Best Friends Ever. (See? It really wasn't a double standard. Mostly.) He wasn't entirely sure how she'd got into the TARDIS, but he seemed to be stuck with her now.

He turned to look at Lauren, who was busily texting someone. "Lauren! We're on Mars in the year 4515! Can you stop texting for a minute and appreciate the wonder of the universe?"

Lauren sighed melodramatically and put her mobile away in a pocket. "It's crap."

"It's not crap! It's amazing and wonderful and look at that rock over there that looks like a rabbit."

"Wow. Rocks." She just didn't have an instinctive love for travel and exploration. Martha would have appreciated the rocks. Jack might have tried to have sex with them. He wouldn't put much past Jack.

"Bloody humans," he muttered to himself, meaning "what a rubbish companion I have."

"Are you disrespecting my species?" asked Lauren. "Are you going to go on about how you're better than we are just because you have a time machine. That is so racist, Doctor."

"It's not racist! It's just... an unfair assessment of an entire race of people based on the actions of a single individual. I don't think you know what racism even is."

"We did it in school," said Lauren, playing with her ponytail. "Then they taught us how to put condoms on a banana, in case we ever wanted to have sex with vegetables."

"Bananas are a fruit," said the Doctor, a fan of bananas.

"It's the same bloody thing."

The Doctor tried to remember how he'd coped with people of her age before. He thought of his time with Ace (his Best Friend Ever) and said, casually, "Do you like blowing things up?"

Lauren stared at him. "Oh my god, are you a terrorist? Am I stuck on Pluto with a crazy murderer?"

"Mars! And no, it's just... I thought young people liked being destructive." He reached for her hand absently. "Do you like... maths?"

"Stop holding my hand, you filthy old perv!" Lauren snatched her hand back and wiped it on her jeans. "Urgh, you're disgusting. I'd better not get pregnant from that, I've got exams soon."

She reminded him quite a bit of his Best Friend Ever, Donna Noble. The Doctor had a sudden nightmarish vision of spending the rest of his lives travelling with various of Donna's relatives, being slapped and yelled at and accused of perversion. "Do you have any relatives called Donna?"

"What, are you saying my mum's a slapper? Like she's got a hundred kids all by different fathers?"

The Doctor sighed. Maybe he'd lost his knack with teens. They were moody and difficult and Lauren kept asking if they could fly the TARDIS using a Wii. "I'm not saying anything about your mother's liasons, I'm just... oh, never mind."

Lauren kicked a rock. "No offence, but Mars is shit."

"I like it. It reminds me a bit of the mountains on Gallifrey."

Lauren rolled her eyes. "Oh god, not that again. If you liked the planet so much you shouldn't of blown it up, should you?"

"You have no empathy."

"Am I bothered?"

Bloody hell, not this again. It was practically a catchphrase. "Yes, I think you're a bit bothered."

"Look at my face, alien-boy. Look at it."

The Doctor looked at Lauren's bothered-looking face.

"Do I look bothered? Is this the face of a bothered human? No, I am not even a little bit bothered. I don't like you, so I don't care what you think of me."

"But-"

She held up a dismissive hand. "Not bothered."

"You lack basic social skills."

"And does that bother me? No, and neither does you crying about how you killed all your own people out of stupidness. You'd feel better if you stopped going on about how lonely you are, which by the way? You do all the fucking time."

"Language!" The Doctor felt a bit of parental concern stir somewhere near his intestines. Or possibly it was indigestion. "I never swear and I've had plenty of reason to, believe me."

"God, you old people. Are you going to hit on my gran? Are you travelling with me so that my gran wants to snog you? Do you like younger women? Is that why you're so old, so that there's more younger women for you to hit on?"

"You know, I can't imagine why I invited you to come with me and explore time and space."

"You were miserable on your own and all emotional like a little girl. I thought you were going to cry so I agreed to come with you. Even though my mum always said not to go off with strange men who live in boxes that are bigger on the inside."

"Usually I only take the best. Well, I say the best, mostly I just pick up whoever looks impressed by me."

"I'm not impressed by you."

"Yes, I did somehow sense that." He sighed. "But I'm not bothered."

"That's weird, cos your face looks well bothered."

"Kids are so cynical these days. It's all ecstacy and clubbing and mobile phones with you lot. Do you want to go to a rave?"

"Oh you did not. Oh that is so 1990s."

"I'm a time-traveller!"

"I bet you like the Bay City Rollers and Phil Collins and that song about the woman in red that's dancing with me cheek to cheek."

"Actually, Phil Collins is an alien."

"I totally knew that," said Lauren.

He was trying, but this girl was impossible to like. She threatened his faith in humanity, which was quite a feat all things considered. He tried telling himself that she'd grow up responsible and compassionate. Somehow. Maybe he'd make her kind by osmosis.

"Can I get back to texting? Only I've got friends, unlike some people."

"I'm taking you home after this."

"Not bothered," said Lauren, reaching for her mobile.

On Mars, no one can hear you scream in frustration.


End file.
